Pacing

I can't stop pacing back and forth from my back door, to the front window, to my bedroom window, to Nick's window, and to the back door again. It's a slow pace. I'm standing, peering into the darkness just waiting. Watching for movement. Making mental notes of which house lights are on or off. Listening through the closed, locked windows for a dog bark. I'm just waiting for this son of a bitch to try me one more time.

As I lay in bed a little after 11 this evening reading, my mom comes running in saying there are sounds. The look on her face is SHITYOURPANTS fear. She tells me the sounds are against the house next to her room. I grab my knife and I start scanning. I can hear something on that side of the house too, but now it's not AGAINST the house, just near the house. Trying to convince Tate to get her big ass up and come look doesn't work. Here I am, shorts, a shirt, no bra, but a knife. I walk into my back yard, slowly. As I peek around the corner of my house, I see a head and a set of eyes over the fence and then they drop. I stood there long enough for them to drop then I ran inside. Immediate I'm fighting with this inserted doggy door Bullshit to close and lock the door. My mom is in a panic calling 911 and I'm pacing. Staring. Waiting.

The house has never been more boobytrapped and locked. But I'm pacing. The lights at the front door and back door are motion sensors but they aren't going off. The wind is blowing and keeping the lights on with twigs, decorative thingies, and whatever else is hanging out there. Everytime I peak out the curtain, I expect to see this sonofabitch's face directly on the other side of the glass. I may only have a knife....but I'm pissed and protecting my kid and my mom. You better bet your ass that if something happens, I WILL RAGE....

P.S. tomorrow's is gonna be a LOOOooOooOoooNNnnnnnG day.

CANCELLED

Today is the 2nd of October. Tomorrow is supposed to be my birthday. I say "supposed to be" because, if you haven't already read on facebook....I have cancelled my birthday this year. I know what you're thinking "oh she's scared cuz she's going to be 30" or "30 isn't that bad, I don't know what she's freakin out about"...but NO! That's not the (only) reason why. 

I will be the first person to tell people "they say that 30 is the new 20"...whoever "they" is...I've heard that, or read that before. But here you go...Since "30 is the new 20" I want to do this better. I would never say that my 20s were horrible, because the coolest shit EVER happened when I was 20 years old....Nicky Boy was born. BUT this last year has been rough. Let's not get it twisted, Nick is doing great in school, is in good health, and is smarter than I can deal with. My family is doing mostly good (you know, normal shit that hinders using the word "great") so I don't have much to complain about.

Then there is the struggle. I use that term loosely because I know there are people that are struggling and dealing with some super crazy stuff, whatever that may be. I think that's part of the problem. Nothing has been totally horrible that I can blame my...depression on. Yeah, I said it. Depression and Anxiety are the newest and most recent (and hopefully least permanent) adjectives I get to describe myself with lately. I don't know why or for how long, all I know is that it SUCKS.

We've all been there (well, most of us I think)....when you just feel like everything sucks, even if it's not that bad. But it seems like less people care, nothing works the way you want, everything that can go wrong WILL go wrong, and just an all around feeling of crap. It will pass, and I'm actively working on dealing with what I'm feeling and how to fix the things that may have gotten me here. I just want to be on a better page to start this NEW 30 BUSINESS!!! lol

And now that I've gotten that all off my e-chest....I've been watching Real Housewives of New Jersey today in my hotel room in Twin Falls all day and I've realized that I remember that I used to like to party, so MAYBE just MAYYYYYBE I should have an UNBIRTHDAY party. OH SHIT...this may be the best idea ever. an UNBIRTHDAY party...and because you know how I love to have little themes to my parties....Alice in Wonderland theme?  Oh.....this may work. I'm just in a shitty mood so I have to be optimistic for more than this few minutes. SHIT JUST GOT REAL.....

WHO'S GOIN WITH ME????

Blogging, where have you been?

I've been trying to think of a way to come back from a year long break of blogging...and I just haven't figured it out. I just decided I'm just gonna do what I do....word vomit...and see what happens.

Let's start with today. Today I found out that a very close person in my life (details I will not divulge due to the sensitivity of the issue...*yet) has been diagnosed with Stage IV cancer. My heart is broken. My heart is crying...no, BAWLING. Cancer is such an ASSHOLE! My heart bleeds for this very important person and for their family. 6 months has been allotted to this person as a timeline for LIFE.... that is so devastating. I think putting a timeline on somebody's life is so cruel. Yeah, I GET it, but I don't like it. I feel like telling somebody they have Cancer, especially Stage 4 (threw that in there for the Roman Numeral illiterate ha) is bad enough that you don't need to put a timeline on it. Especially one so short. It is heart breaking.

That being said...I wanna cry....

But I wanna move on....
I, my friends, have made the leap into VOLUNTARY SERVICE...well, besides whatever is considered voluntary with the guard. I have become a part of the American Cancer Society's Relay For LIFE!!! Not only do I have my own team, but my very good friend Melissa has put together a whole Relay for Kuna, and I have become an integral part of that! I am a Committee member. The Entertainment one, to be exact....I'm just super scared I'm gonna mess it up. It's SOOO much work and SOOOOOO many people are relying on me. I just hope I don't let them down. Starting the beginning of April, it's about to start getting crazy. I have to get this ball rolling. I hope you all can help me, and if you have any questions on HOW, PLEASE let me know. I could use all the help I can get at this point. I really wanna throw a big thank you out to my team "Jonesin For A Cure" who is the number ONE team for raising money for the cause as of today. Sammy, Joe, Taylor, Robert, Julie, and Janay....they are my team, and they are awesome!

NOW, let's talk about my little man....who is not so little anymore! My son is 9, can you believe that!?!? My mind is blown every day by how smart he is...he is a video game and youtube addict, but he's MY video game and youtube addict. He's the best. We got his report card a couple weeks ago, and he's doing AWESOME....

Everything else is just....waiting....to get better......but it's getting there. And to tell you the truth....I CAN'T WAIT! :)