CANCELLED

Today is the 2nd of October. Tomorrow is supposed to be my birthday. I say "supposed to be" because, if you haven't already read on facebook....I have cancelled my birthday this year. I know what you're thinking "oh she's scared cuz she's going to be 30" or "30 isn't that bad, I don't know what she's freakin out about"...but NO! That's not the (only) reason why. 

I will be the first person to tell people "they say that 30 is the new 20"...whoever "they" is...I've heard that, or read that before. But here you go...Since "30 is the new 20" I want to do this better. I would never say that my 20s were horrible, because the coolest shit EVER happened when I was 20 years old....Nicky Boy was born. BUT this last year has been rough. Let's not get it twisted, Nick is doing great in school, is in good health, and is smarter than I can deal with. My family is doing mostly good (you know, normal shit that hinders using the word "great") so I don't have much to complain about.

Then there is the struggle. I use that term loosely because I know there are people that are struggling and dealing with some super crazy stuff, whatever that may be. I think that's part of the problem. Nothing has been totally horrible that I can blame my...depression on. Yeah, I said it. Depression and Anxiety are the newest and most recent (and hopefully least permanent) adjectives I get to describe myself with lately. I don't know why or for how long, all I know is that it SUCKS.

We've all been there (well, most of us I think)....when you just feel like everything sucks, even if it's not that bad. But it seems like less people care, nothing works the way you want, everything that can go wrong WILL go wrong, and just an all around feeling of crap. It will pass, and I'm actively working on dealing with what I'm feeling and how to fix the things that may have gotten me here. I just want to be on a better page to start this NEW 30 BUSINESS!!! lol

And now that I've gotten that all off my e-chest....I've been watching Real Housewives of New Jersey today in my hotel room in Twin Falls all day and I've realized that I remember that I used to like to party, so MAYBE just MAYYYYYBE I should have an UNBIRTHDAY party. OH SHIT...this may be the best idea ever. an UNBIRTHDAY party...and because you know how I love to have little themes to my parties....Alice in Wonderland theme?  Oh.....this may work. I'm just in a shitty mood so I have to be optimistic for more than this few minutes. SHIT JUST GOT REAL.....

WHO'S GOIN WITH ME????