Pacing

I can't stop pacing back and forth from my back door, to the front window, to my bedroom window, to Nick's window, and to the back door again. It's a slow pace. I'm standing, peering into the darkness just waiting. Watching for movement. Making mental notes of which house lights are on or off. Listening through the closed, locked windows for a dog bark. I'm just waiting for this son of a bitch to try me one more time.

As I lay in bed a little after 11 this evening reading, my mom comes running in saying there are sounds. The look on her face is SHITYOURPANTS fear. She tells me the sounds are against the house next to her room. I grab my knife and I start scanning. I can hear something on that side of the house too, but now it's not AGAINST the house, just near the house. Trying to convince Tate to get her big ass up and come look doesn't work. Here I am, shorts, a shirt, no bra, but a knife. I walk into my back yard, slowly. As I peek around the corner of my house, I see a head and a set of eyes over the fence and then they drop. I stood there long enough for them to drop then I ran inside. Immediate I'm fighting with this inserted doggy door Bullshit to close and lock the door. My mom is in a panic calling 911 and I'm pacing. Staring. Waiting.

The house has never been more boobytrapped and locked. But I'm pacing. The lights at the front door and back door are motion sensors but they aren't going off. The wind is blowing and keeping the lights on with twigs, decorative thingies, and whatever else is hanging out there. Everytime I peak out the curtain, I expect to see this sonofabitch's face directly on the other side of the glass. I may only have a knife....but I'm pissed and protecting my kid and my mom. You better bet your ass that if something happens, I WILL RAGE....

P.S. tomorrow's is gonna be a LOOOooOooOoooNNnnnnnG day.

CANCELLED

Today is the 2nd of October. Tomorrow is supposed to be my birthday. I say "supposed to be" because, if you haven't already read on facebook....I have cancelled my birthday this year. I know what you're thinking "oh she's scared cuz she's going to be 30" or "30 isn't that bad, I don't know what she's freakin out about"...but NO! That's not the (only) reason why. 

I will be the first person to tell people "they say that 30 is the new 20"...whoever "they" is...I've heard that, or read that before. But here you go...Since "30 is the new 20" I want to do this better. I would never say that my 20s were horrible, because the coolest shit EVER happened when I was 20 years old....Nicky Boy was born. BUT this last year has been rough. Let's not get it twisted, Nick is doing great in school, is in good health, and is smarter than I can deal with. My family is doing mostly good (you know, normal shit that hinders using the word "great") so I don't have much to complain about.

Then there is the struggle. I use that term loosely because I know there are people that are struggling and dealing with some super crazy stuff, whatever that may be. I think that's part of the problem. Nothing has been totally horrible that I can blame my...depression on. Yeah, I said it. Depression and Anxiety are the newest and most recent (and hopefully least permanent) adjectives I get to describe myself with lately. I don't know why or for how long, all I know is that it SUCKS.

We've all been there (well, most of us I think)....when you just feel like everything sucks, even if it's not that bad. But it seems like less people care, nothing works the way you want, everything that can go wrong WILL go wrong, and just an all around feeling of crap. It will pass, and I'm actively working on dealing with what I'm feeling and how to fix the things that may have gotten me here. I just want to be on a better page to start this NEW 30 BUSINESS!!! lol

And now that I've gotten that all off my e-chest....I've been watching Real Housewives of New Jersey today in my hotel room in Twin Falls all day and I've realized that I remember that I used to like to party, so MAYBE just MAYYYYYBE I should have an UNBIRTHDAY party. OH SHIT...this may be the best idea ever. an UNBIRTHDAY party...and because you know how I love to have little themes to my parties....Alice in Wonderland theme?  Oh.....this may work. I'm just in a shitty mood so I have to be optimistic for more than this few minutes. SHIT JUST GOT REAL.....

WHO'S GOIN WITH ME????