Eyes

Well, this is about the 4th time I've sat down and started this blog. I don't know if it's the fact that I can't concentrate or the fact that I don't WANT to concentrate. Thank you to Dustin, Sauce, and Tom's song "Why Not" I have a little inspiration :) Besides the fact that I have some very talented friends, I also have a very strong willed Mom #2, and an amazing son. For those of you that follow me here from Facebook, you probably know that I had a Noah day the other day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Noah, but some days are longer and harder than others.

The Noah story, whether you know it or not, here it is again :) I'll try to shorten it up a bit...

Noah and I met in High School. We hung out every once in awhile and partied at the same places every once in awhile, but we weren't really close. The beginning of 2004 we met again and we were totally crazy about each other instantly. We were dating for about 4 months, and he decided to go out East to work with his dad for a little bit and make some money. Soon after he left, my unit got called up for a deployment. We (the unit) have to go through what the Army calls an SRP (Soldier Readiness Process) which is where we get all our medical, financial....stuff taken care of. Well, before you go overseas, there are about 8billion shots you have to get, but before that, if you're a female, they give you a pregnancy test. And you'll never GUESS what happened....well, it was the pee-on-the-stick kind, and they "couldn't be sure" so they sent me down to get some bloodwork done. Well, that was it, they spun my blood and said "Congratulations" and I cried. I bawled actually. I was only 19, what the hell was I going to do with a KID!?!?

I think I told Noah about 2 days after I found out because I was so nervous about telling him over the phone. He took it better than I did. He didn't cry, anyway. Well, needless to say, it didn't take us long to get excited. Anyway, fast forward....Nick came into our lives and everything was amazing. He was the cutest, smartest, most awesome kid to exist. Noah was working night shifts and coming home and watching Nick while I went to work during the day. They would go to the park and feed the birds, they would feed the horses behind the house, they'd play at the playground. They had the best times together.

Slowly something happened to our relationship. I'm not going to say I was the easiest person to live with, but when Noah decided he didn't want to grow up, I made the choice of taking care of Nick over the choice of trying to take care of Nick AND Noah. I could only handle one at a time. Noah and I were together on and off for about 4 years. I saw sides of Noah that many people never got to experience. When he wanted to be, he was the most amazing father and boyfriend that anybody could have ever imagined.

September 2009 was one of the hardest months I have ever dealt with in my entire life. There are only 3 people that really know what happened that night, but here's how "they" say it did. It doesn't matter what article I read, they all piss me off. That link is new to me. First I've seen of it, and they all drive me insane. Make me read into it. I can't stand it sometimes. Sometimes it takes everything in my being just to close all browsers and stop obsessing.... Back to THEN....Nick wasn't even 5 yet when his dad was killed....or should I say, when his dad died. I don't know if it was better or worse that he didn't get it. He didn't know the pain of death, because his idea of "death" was that of video games where you just come back. The pain he felt was looking around and seeing his mama, his grandmas, and everybody he knew crying. For days.

From Noah, I have the most amazing son anybody could ask for. I get to see Noah every time Nick gives me the NoahScowl, every time he looks at me (he definately got his daddy's eyes) in general, and you'd be surprised the little stuff that he does that is just like his dad. Noah also connected me with an amazing family that I couldn't be more proud to be a part of. Noah's whole family has been just amazing to Nick and I. They are the greatest people. Yvonne is my Mom #2.

Noah and I may not have been together when he died, and we may not have always agreed or been the best of friends, but when it comes down to it....we loved each other. I loved him for the dad he was, the dad he was going to be, the man he dreamt of being, the man he was, and the dreams he had. So, this one, is for you Noah Anthony Hopper. We love you. We miss you like crazy. XOXOXO