The C word...not the one you think.

It's been so long since I've done this. I feel like I need it though and maybe there are other people that feel the same way. Get ready for this.

My Grandma was diagnosed with Cancer....but let me rewind a year.

About a year ago, the doctors noticed that a lump in her lung they had been watching (we had no idea) had grown, significantly. I mean centimeters in the "growth" world is a lot. So, they did all these scans and told us she had cancer. Then, they did a biopsy and then they were all like "nevermind, jk". About 4 months ago, they jk'd on their first jk. Apparently, there is a weird infection that is known to grow around these growths so when they did the biopsy, they pulled from the infection, not the cancerous growth. Well, about 4 months ago they re-diagnosed my grandmother. With Stage 4 Lung Cancer.

This is the lady that let us shithead grandkids use her car as long as we dropped her off and picked her up from bingo. The lady that taught us how to make homemade eggrolls. The lady that babysat us when our single moms had to work. The lady that charged our mom's for laundry haha. Everyday I remember all these things that I thought were long gone. It took me a long time and a lot of reflection to stop being mad at the doctors. Like, maybe I'm not all the way over it...maybe we could have caught it sooner, maybe it wouldn't be like this. maybe maybe maybe.

She's on Hospice now. She's signed a DNR now.

Let me rewind again, but this time, let me rewind about 28 years. When I was alone at night, I didn't worry about the boogyman, I didn't worry about I didn't worry about things like that, I always worried that my grandma would die. Not even that day, or that year, but someday, and it made me....terrified, scared, sad. Now this is my real life. This is the reason I don't sleep at night. This is the reason I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

Today is the day I share our story (mostly her story but she doesn't know how to read blogs lol) and hope that somebody somewhere will know that they aren't the only ones feeling this pain. This is why I Relay. This is why I try to treat people nicely even if they are shitheads because you never know what somebody is going through.

Love you all.

SoApBoX

Do you want to know why I created and still have a Facebook account? To share pictures of my son with family that doesn't have the opportunity to see him everyday.
That's my adult answer.

I also have a Facebook account so I can "like" pictures of other people's cute kids, or their kids doing jerk stuff. So I can get ideas for all the Halloween costumes I'm never really going to make or wear. So I can see pictures and watch videos of delicious artery clogging food and order somebody make it for me and deliver it (which I'm really disappointed doesn't happen very often). I have Facebook to "like" pictures and videos of your dogs doing adorable dog stuff and your cats doing dumb cat things. I have Facebook to watch other hilarious viral videos that people share so I don't have to actually look up any funny videos myself. I have Facebook to share hilarious, stupid and moronic things that I find hilarious so you can laugh at your monitor or phone like I do. I have Facebook so I can ask for help on stuff I don't know anything about. I have Facebook to ask for sales to make some money. I have Facebook to keep up on friends I haven't seen in a long time. I have Facebook to stalk my exes and talk shit about how stupid their new lives are. I have Facebook so I can be tagged in pictures where I look like a dork or so I an post pictures of the time I get to spend with my friends. I have a Facebook so I can see when you "check-in" at the gym so I stay motivated to go myself. I have Facebook to play stupid games and share lives and trade crap. That's all real.

I don't have a Facebook account because you are going to change the way I think. About ANYTHING. Do you know what my political beliefs are? Do you know what my religious beliefs are? Probably not. Wanna know why?!? Because I don't post them all over my Facebook or flaunt my opinions in peoples faces all day long. I don't even have time for that. I'm too busy using the internet (what a beautiful tool it is) to make sure that all the asinine shit you're posting without actually reading, or putting any common sense into is, in fact, a total pile of shit.

You know, I'm not saying I'm going to unfriend everybody who has an opinion or people who want to constantly post about shit that I don't get two fucks about...but I just want you to know. You're not changing my mind, and if somebody is that dense to change what they believe because of something you posted, you can have them too. But it gets old, fast. Good riddance.

I'm not saying I've never posted anything that has been controversial or maybe annoying, but this is different. Just please remember that every time you post something dumb, I utilize a LOT of self control to not call you out on what a dumbass you seem like. And if that offends you, then you're guilty, and I BEG YOU....PLEASE UNFRIEND ME. I won't even ask why we aren't friends anymore,

All I want to do is watch videos about dogs tattling on each other while learning 500 different ways to make macaroni and cheese.

Pacing

I can't stop pacing back and forth from my back door, to the front window, to my bedroom window, to Nick's window, and to the back door again. It's a slow pace. I'm standing, peering into the darkness just waiting. Watching for movement. Making mental notes of which house lights are on or off. Listening through the closed, locked windows for a dog bark. I'm just waiting for this son of a bitch to try me one more time.

As I lay in bed a little after 11 this evening reading, my mom comes running in saying there are sounds. The look on her face is SHITYOURPANTS fear. She tells me the sounds are against the house next to her room. I grab my knife and I start scanning. I can hear something on that side of the house too, but now it's not AGAINST the house, just near the house. Trying to convince Tate to get her big ass up and come look doesn't work. Here I am, shorts, a shirt, no bra, but a knife. I walk into my back yard, slowly. As I peek around the corner of my house, I see a head and a set of eyes over the fence and then they drop. I stood there long enough for them to drop then I ran inside. Immediate I'm fighting with this inserted doggy door Bullshit to close and lock the door. My mom is in a panic calling 911 and I'm pacing. Staring. Waiting.

The house has never been more boobytrapped and locked. But I'm pacing. The lights at the front door and back door are motion sensors but they aren't going off. The wind is blowing and keeping the lights on with twigs, decorative thingies, and whatever else is hanging out there. Everytime I peak out the curtain, I expect to see this sonofabitch's face directly on the other side of the glass. I may only have a knife....but I'm pissed and protecting my kid and my mom. You better bet your ass that if something happens, I WILL RAGE....

P.S. tomorrow's is gonna be a LOOOooOooOoooNNnnnnnG day.

CANCELLED

Today is the 2nd of October. Tomorrow is supposed to be my birthday. I say "supposed to be" because, if you haven't already read on facebook....I have cancelled my birthday this year. I know what you're thinking "oh she's scared cuz she's going to be 30" or "30 isn't that bad, I don't know what she's freakin out about"...but NO! That's not the (only) reason why. 

I will be the first person to tell people "they say that 30 is the new 20"...whoever "they" is...I've heard that, or read that before. But here you go...Since "30 is the new 20" I want to do this better. I would never say that my 20s were horrible, because the coolest shit EVER happened when I was 20 years old....Nicky Boy was born. BUT this last year has been rough. Let's not get it twisted, Nick is doing great in school, is in good health, and is smarter than I can deal with. My family is doing mostly good (you know, normal shit that hinders using the word "great") so I don't have much to complain about.

Then there is the struggle. I use that term loosely because I know there are people that are struggling and dealing with some super crazy stuff, whatever that may be. I think that's part of the problem. Nothing has been totally horrible that I can blame my...depression on. Yeah, I said it. Depression and Anxiety are the newest and most recent (and hopefully least permanent) adjectives I get to describe myself with lately. I don't know why or for how long, all I know is that it SUCKS.

We've all been there (well, most of us I think)....when you just feel like everything sucks, even if it's not that bad. But it seems like less people care, nothing works the way you want, everything that can go wrong WILL go wrong, and just an all around feeling of crap. It will pass, and I'm actively working on dealing with what I'm feeling and how to fix the things that may have gotten me here. I just want to be on a better page to start this NEW 30 BUSINESS!!! lol

And now that I've gotten that all off my e-chest....I've been watching Real Housewives of New Jersey today in my hotel room in Twin Falls all day and I've realized that I remember that I used to like to party, so MAYBE just MAYYYYYBE I should have an UNBIRTHDAY party. OH SHIT...this may be the best idea ever. an UNBIRTHDAY party...and because you know how I love to have little themes to my parties....Alice in Wonderland theme?  Oh.....this may work. I'm just in a shitty mood so I have to be optimistic for more than this few minutes. SHIT JUST GOT REAL.....

WHO'S GOIN WITH ME????

Blogging, where have you been?

I've been trying to think of a way to come back from a year long break of blogging...and I just haven't figured it out. I just decided I'm just gonna do what I do....word vomit...and see what happens.

Let's start with today. Today I found out that a very close person in my life (details I will not divulge due to the sensitivity of the issue...*yet) has been diagnosed with Stage IV cancer. My heart is broken. My heart is crying...no, BAWLING. Cancer is such an ASSHOLE! My heart bleeds for this very important person and for their family. 6 months has been allotted to this person as a timeline for LIFE.... that is so devastating. I think putting a timeline on somebody's life is so cruel. Yeah, I GET it, but I don't like it. I feel like telling somebody they have Cancer, especially Stage 4 (threw that in there for the Roman Numeral illiterate ha) is bad enough that you don't need to put a timeline on it. Especially one so short. It is heart breaking.

That being said...I wanna cry....

But I wanna move on....
I, my friends, have made the leap into VOLUNTARY SERVICE...well, besides whatever is considered voluntary with the guard. I have become a part of the American Cancer Society's Relay For LIFE!!! Not only do I have my own team, but my very good friend Melissa has put together a whole Relay for Kuna, and I have become an integral part of that! I am a Committee member. The Entertainment one, to be exact....I'm just super scared I'm gonna mess it up. It's SOOO much work and SOOOOOO many people are relying on me. I just hope I don't let them down. Starting the beginning of April, it's about to start getting crazy. I have to get this ball rolling. I hope you all can help me, and if you have any questions on HOW, PLEASE let me know. I could use all the help I can get at this point. I really wanna throw a big thank you out to my team "Jonesin For A Cure" who is the number ONE team for raising money for the cause as of today. Sammy, Joe, Taylor, Robert, Julie, and Janay....they are my team, and they are awesome!

NOW, let's talk about my little man....who is not so little anymore! My son is 9, can you believe that!?!? My mind is blown every day by how smart he is...he is a video game and youtube addict, but he's MY video game and youtube addict. He's the best. We got his report card a couple weeks ago, and he's doing AWESOME....

Everything else is just....waiting....to get better......but it's getting there. And to tell you the truth....I CAN'T WAIT! :)

Change

I'm in a funk. A weird one. It's the kind of funk when I know everything is ok, and everything will be just fine, but I feel like something isn't right...or that most things aren't right. I don't know what it is. I feel like I "didn't get the memo" about life. Maybe it's the stress of going to school, maybe it's the upcoming furlough that will minimize my paycheck by 20%, maybe a combination, but the scary thing is... maybe it's something that I don't even know about yet. Sometimes I scare myself with these premonitions...Ok, I'm not psychic, but you know what I mean. On a good note, I finally got promoted (a thousand years later) and I got a new car which I love. I just don't get it. I feel some sort of disconnect.

What did the memo say? Who got one? Can you send me a copy? I'm begging here.

Back to the "good stuff"...Nick started baseball. He's only gone to like 2 practices so far, but he likes it and I'm glad because he needed a change. Tae Kwon Do was getting old to him. Not to down-talk Tae Kwon Do, cuz it was an awesome learning experience for all of us, but he's 8 and he gets bored of stuff easily.

Oh, and did I mention that it feels like my back is broken? Right now it's not so bad, thanks to a muscle relaxer and an anti-inflammatory, but omg, all day long for the last 4 days I've felt about 800 years old.

I think I just need to change it up a bit....that's gonna be the plan. I need to make some changes if I expect different results from one day to the next. Being more careful about my diet (not that I'm on a diet...I use that term loosely), and doing stuff. School is taking up a big part of my life outside of work and I need to make some changes, however small they need to be. I need something different to happen so I can feel a little better about what's going on with me. I have at least 6 weeks until finals, so I guess I should be excited that's not any sooner than it is.

See, and typing this all out, I feel like I'm being a bit of a drama queen (WHO???ME????) but like I said, I know everything is fine, it's just that I don't FEEL fine. Let's fix this...and by "let's", I mean "I'll" but I apparently could use some help....haha. Whatever. It's almost spring break...you know, the spring break where I still have to go to work and still have assignments due. ugh. Whatever....it is what it is...

Stink

Ok, well here it goes....but first of all, just because I've decided to go back to school, that doesn't mean all of you (Melissa) need to grammar police my ass. Unless you're grading me or giving me a degree, stop it. :) But really, school is going good so far. I mean, I'm only into the easy stuff so far, but time management-wise, I'm doing good...I think. Although I could be doing homework instead of blogggggging, but WHAT is the FUN in THAT?!? So, let's talk about school...I know that I have friends as old or older than me that are in school and all that, but in my classes, I am a grandma. In one class we are in groups "introducing ourselves" and this is what I hear: "...oh yeah, Timberline?...oh what class?...2012??? ME TOO" omg. I'm old. ancient even. FML. and shut your face, you babyfaced asshats. Wanna talk about math class...yeah, it's simple algebra, baby algebra...it is easy...if I was in high school last year. But it's been a few years....try a THOUSAND. ugh. It's ok, Little Melissa told me yesterday "You may feel old, but just remember, you're the coolest one in the class". you know what, she's probably right. haha.

Although, when I'm on campus, I just...I just realize that I just did everything in my life so ASS BACKWARDS. You're supposed to go to college, party, live in the dorms...then you graduate, date get a career that you love....then get married and have kids and live together happily ever after...well, apparently I didn't get that memo. Or I did, but I'm illiterate cuz I read that shit WRONG. Don't get it twisted, I love my son and I would never take that back, but whoa. High School, partying, kid, half assed career I'm not so happy about, now school. Well, I guess it's better late than never. Plus, I probably would be ....god, if I hadn't had Nick when I did, I probably would have never grown up. Well, you know what I mean, like financially...not mentally. I'll always be like this....lol.

Kids are nuts....don't even get me started on my son. He's the funniest damn kid ever. He's got an awesome sense of humor.....sometimes. Lately, all that comes out of his mouth is "Mom, you stink"...and it was funny. the first 2 times but we are now on about 5 days of constant stinking, and I'm starting to get a complex. And since he's a Camo belt in Tae Kwon Do he thinks he can kick my ass, so that's fun. He is still having some issues with falling asleep at night so we've tried a couple things, anyway, I get home from school last night and it's about 9, and he's already in bed because we had to move up bed time to 8:30 (ew, right?!) so I walk in to his room and he automatically rats himself out "I'm sorry I couldn't sleep and was playing with toys". Someday he'll learn to just keep his mouth shut. So he got himself grounded for the day today just because his sleeping is such a big deal lately and he was doing something he wasn't supposed to. No biggie, being grounded just no games or TV. WRONG - it's a HUGE deal. That's all he wants to do so all day today I hear "well, what can I do to get ungrounded" and "I sure wish I was grounded " I told him that if he gets a job and moves out, he'll never get grounded again. He didn't like that answer.

Oh and for all the haters out there...BSU still is badass. I stand by the Broncos...and not just because I have to. :)